Dear Diary, Entry One.

Dear Diary,

This is essentially how I'm going to start from now on, as I have few (at the moment, one) followers and this might very well become something of a diary.

Lately I've been struggling. My great nanny is dying, she's probably only got a few weeks left to live. My mum is having to get rid of one of our dogs. For a while, I thought I hated my uni degree - I didn't go into uni for a whole two weeks, and it wasn't until I went to every single lecture and seminar today that I realised being cooped up in the house was only making things worse and I was feeling more and more helpless because I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. I even thought about starting smoking again, because it used to make me feel better - but that idea was dashed by my lack of funds and I'm glad I didn't get back into an old habit. Besides, it's only a temporary fix.

I started feeling like I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. I didn't want to go to the gym. I started getting scared about putting weight back on because I fell off the wagon with my eating. I started having nightmares. I fell out with a good friend because I was so busy criticising him, because I didn't want to deal with my own feelings (I hope you can forgive me, Ben). I've bitten my nails down to nothing again.

Today, I feel I made a friend (hi Sarah!). I spent all day in uni and I had so much to catch up on that I didn't even get bored or tired. My lecturers are so understanding and one of them just let me ask a lot of questions and clarified a lot of things for me. I don't feel so terrified about that particular module anymore. I came home and I cooked a lovely dinner, and I just generally feel happier. Like I can handle this.

However, there are definitely things I'm not happy about. I read somewhere a while ago, at a time when I was struggling with some similar issues, that a good thing to do when you're feeling low is to write a list of confessions. Things you're not comfortable with, about yourself and about things in your life. So as a starting point for this better, skinnier, healthier, happier me, I will note down a few of these things I've probably never said out loud. A few of them are a bit weird so hang in there.

Confessions:

1. I think I might have slight obsessive compulsive tendencies about my fingernails. Yes I do bite them, so how can I be obsessive? Well I hate chipped nail polish, and I cannot deal with my nails being jagged/uneven. Even if they're shorter than short, if one isn't perfectly rounded off then I will bite it to try and even it out until I can get to an emery board. I also have an obsession with cleaning underneath my nails.

2. I'm scared of going to the doctors. Not for the usual reasons - don't get me wrong, I don't like needles but I don't worry every time I go in that they're going to stick me with them. I'm scared because there always seems to be something wrong with me and nothing ever shows up on scans or blood tests, and no-one ever seems to believe me or care enough to stay at it and try and figure out what's wrong. I hate feeling helpless.

3. I worry that Chris is going to leave me/cheat on me because I don't have enough of a libido. I know it makes him feel unappreciated and maybe sometimes like he isn't good enough, but it's not that at all. I try and explain it to him but I don't really know what to say because I don't understand it myself. I wasn't always like this.

4. I worry that I'm always going to have a big bum. I'm only little but my bum is disproportionately big. I hate it. Chris says he loves it, but I don't think he realises how insecure I am about it. I worry that even if I lose all this weight, my bum is still going to be this way.

5. I cry sometimes when I go into fitting rooms in shops. I hate how nothing hangs right on me because of my, ahem, curves. I hate how I'm such a difficult shape that even shoes are nigh on impossible to find.

I think that's probably it for now. I feel so much lighter. I'm sure I'll think of more things in the weeks of recovery to come, but for now I'd like to sign off with one of my favourite quotes about life.

"You can, you should, and if you're brave enough to start, you will." - Stephen King.

So guys. I haven't written anything in a long time...and I haven't come on here today to say anything particularly important. Or important at all.

I hate being hungover. It doesn't happen often. Usually, I get hangovers when I mix drinks. But last night, I drank a LOT of spiced rum (at £1.50 a go) and didn't seem to be getting drunk. So out came the shots. They weren't tequila or Aftershock or any of that...just Corkys. Cheap Sourz. After 3 of them and one more rum, it finally hit me. Then there was a fight and I got shouldered in the face because I couldn't run out of the way fast enough. I digress. I wanted to post a slideshow of what happens when I sit on the sofa watching TV all day. It's not very interesting but I'm hoping it might bring a few smiles :)

http://brit-531.tumblr.com/post/51906618461/this-is-what-happens-to-my-face-when-im-hungover

Uhhhhhhpdate ;)

I'm back...

Been a while, but I finally have enough interesting things to say to warrant another post :)

I officially passed my first year, with three Firsts and nothing lower than a 2:2. Buzzing!!!

My job transfer fell through because the pub manager here was useless. Oh well, I'm having a summer spent in relative poverty instead haha.

Oh, and...DOWNLOAD WAS AMAZING! The mud was absolutely monstrous, a foot deep in places, and we had torrential rain for three days straight...I argued with the best friend who had the unfortunate job of looking after me, and I didn't get nearly as drunk as I wanted. But nothing could take away from the experience of that arena, and seeing all those amazing bands in the flesh. Bring on next year!!!

I've recently got back in contact with a person who used to be a huge part of my life, and we have talked and I feel a weight has been lifted. I finally got to vent some anger and talk about my confusion and have some questions answered that had been bothering me for a long time. Even better - I get back all those songs and poems I wrote when I was 15/16. Such a big part of me and I get back the proof that I was a writer :)

Since I'm writing this at 3am and I'm now temporarily back to living in a house where I'm likely to wake family up, I'm going to sign off now...but I really am going to try harder to update more often!!

Peace out xx

Updates and Rambling

Finally, some sunshine! Don't see that very often in the UK.

Got a couple of things to report here today - the first is that I've officially finished my first year of uni!! Provided that I haven't failed my exams and won't need to retake any of them, that is. It's been the quickest academic year of my life. I've made friends, gained (a little) knowledge and finally gotten myself a job. It's not great money but it's more than I was getting before.
The second is that I have bought my Download ticket and all of the camping equipment I need! Excited!!
The third is that I get to come home soon and still be earning money - got a transfer from the pub I work at in Brum to the one near me in Haverhill. S'all good.

The house for next year is sorted, we now know all we need to know and I'm moving in on the 4th of August. So can't wait for that, living in halls is hell sometimes. The house will be kept clean and will never smell like my kitchen in the flat does now. Looking forward to buying rugs and mirrors and a cat-shaped toilet brush haha.

I'm currently going through some issues with my ex-boyfriend/now best friend. He's moving on, I'm struggling...simple stuff really but overcomplicated by circumstances. Just hoping it will all be sorted soon really.

Must dash, my lovely Elli's coming over and we're going to lunch soon and I'm not nearly ready!

My first meaningful blog

I have decided to write something meaningful on my blog, at least once a month. The topic for this month is gay marriage.

I am not posting this from any religious point of view. As many of you know, I am decidedly agnostic (as far as that is possible). But I found this and was so profoundly moved by this well-loved pastor's view on the Biblical opinion of homosexuality that I knew it had to be re-posted.

"At the heart of the claim that the Bible is clear "that homosexuality is forbidden by God" is poor biblical scholarship and a cultural bias read into the Bible. The Bible says nothing about "homosexuality" as an innate dimension of personality. Sexual orientation was not understood in biblical times. There are references in the Bible to same-gender sexual behavior, and all of them are undeniably negative. But what is condemned in these passages is the violence, idolatry and exploitation related to the behavior, not the same-gender nature of the behavior. There are references in the Bible to different-gender sexual behavior that are just as condemning for the same reasons. But no one claims that the condemnation is because the behavior was between a man and a woman.

There was no word in Hebrew, Aramaic or Greek for "homosexual" or "homosexuality." These words were invented near the end of the 19th century when psychoanalysts began to discover and understand sexuality as an essential part of the human personality in all of its diversity. Consequently, it cannot be claimed that the Bible says anything at all about it. The writers of the Bible had neither the understanding of it nor the language for it.

There is only one reference to sexual behavior between women, and that is in Romans 1:26. The context of this reference has to do with Gentiles rejecting the true God to pursue false gods; i.e., idolatry. And, the sexual behavior described is orgiastic, not that of a loving, mutual, caring, committed relationship. What is condemned is the worship of false gods.

Sexuality is a wonderful gift from God. It is more than genital behavior. It's the way we embody and express ourselves in the world. But we cannot love another person intimately without embodying that love, without using our bodies to love. And that does involve genital behavior. Sexual love is for the purpose of giving and receiving pleasure with our most intimate partner. It is a means of deepening and strengthening the intimate union that exists. This can only be healthy and good if our behavior is consistent with who we are and with whom we love, and when we are true to our own sexuality and orientation.

In regard to marriage, it's important to remember that the Bible was written in a patriarchal culture that assumed men were in control and women were subject to them. Marriage was not an equal partnership, but a matter of a man owning a woman or women as property. Women provided men companionship, children and labor. Certainly, love between the man and woman or women could develop, but love was not the basis of marriage. Consequently, the biblical concept of marriage is not appropriate today. We no longer accept the inferiority of women and superiority of men. We no longer accept marriage to be a property transaction. The concept of marriage has evolved throughout history. Today, we understand it to be a voluntary spiritual relationship based on love, respect, mutuality and commitment. What really matters is the quality of the relationship, not the gender of the persons involved. And marriage is created not by religious ceremony or civil government. It is created by the persons involved who make their commitments to one another. Whether or not there is a religious ceremony to celebrate the marriage or marriage license to legalize it, the marriage two people make together in private is real and valid and should be honored as such. I hasten to add that marriage should never be understood as a requirement for two people in relationship. Intimate relationships must not always create a marriage commitment. Marriage is a lifelong commitment that not everyone is willing to make or should make. Being single in an intimate relationship is an honorable choice.

How do I view God's position on "homosexuality?" I believe lesbian, gay and bisexual people to be a part of God's wondrous creation, created to be just who they are, and completely loved and treasured by God. I believe God does not intend for any one to be alone but to live in companionship. And I believe God expects healthy loving relationships to include sexual love. The Bible doesn't say this, of course. But neither does it deny it. I believe this to be true not only because of the Bible's emphasis on the goodness of God's creation and the supreme value of love, but because of the greater understanding of human nature that we have available to us today. I do not believe that God intends us to live in the small world of ancient biblical culture, but rather in God's larger evolving world informed by science, reason and experience."

- Pastor Jimmy Creech

This concisely says that the Bible does not condemn a loving homosexual partnership within its pages. If you have cared enough to read this, I hope that you have felt enlightened and maybe your mind has opened if it was previously closed, or opened wider through further knowledge.

Support the rights of the individual. Support gay marriage.

Rambling Entry #2 :)

So, it's less than 20 days until my 18th birthday now...

Excited doesn't even begin to describe it.

I was at home this week and I met up with some people at a local pub. I love the place, everything's cheap, the food is nice and I rarely get kicked out. But this time, they came round spot-checking IDs at half past 9, so I had to leave :( In three weeks, no-one will be able to kick me out! (Unless I do something naughty, that is.)

Anyway, there was more I needed to ramble about. I've been thinking about picking up poetry again...I kinda just trailed off and stopped writing, but sometimes I come up with little rhymes. But it seems like these days, I can't properly develop them or write more than a few lines :/ I need new inspiration!

Rather a short ramble for now, which I'm sure isn't a bad thing lol. I promise, next time I write one of these, I will find something significant to say.

The Introduction - And First Practice :P

I've never written one of these things before, so apologies if it's incoherent or whatever :P

I'm Britainy, I'm a student in Birmingham, and I'm seventeen years old. Young for a uni student, right? Well, everyone always asks me the same flaming question when they learn my age - 'how come you're at uni so early?' And my response is always the same: 'I took my exams a year early.' Then, I get a varying range of replies, such as 'so you're really smart then?' or 'some kind of boffin, are you?'. No, not really. I just was given an opportunity and I worked it to my best advantage. No-one would call me an intellectual; many who know me well would say the exact opposite because truly, I can be such an idiot sometimes. I'm clumsy, loud and often moody, but it's nice to know that those who've stuck around appreciate me for what I am (or maybe they just can't get rid of me!).

Now, this blog doesn't really serve much of a purpose - it's mainly a way of getting my thoughts down on (virtual) paper and making sure I don't go insane, or at least that someone notices if I do.

The first topic I really wanna talk about is something that is particularly frustrating and upsetting. I am seventeen. None of my friends are seventeen. This means that I am unable to party with them in any establishment other than someone's house or flat, and it means I have found it incredibly difficult to land myself any kind of job. I'm not quite your typical starving student yet, and I have my wonderful dad Larry to thank for that, plus the support of my wonderful mum and dad Andy and my sister all the way at home, 130 miles away. I found it so hard to make friends at first because I had no real social outlets other than uni, which is a place where you don't get much time to talk to others. Then I had some issues with the people I was sharing a flat with and ended up moving out and starting over again in a different building with different people. This shook me a lot and I'm only really starting to settle now. I have my good friend Hannah, my friend and flatmate Tor, the two boys I'm living with next year along with Hannah, my lovely friend Nick and a few others who haven't quite given up on me yet.

And I truly think that in 45 days when I turn 18, the world is really going to open up for me.

Watch this space, anyone who's interested in hearing me rant about my as-yet-unusual student life, for I shall be posting more soon.

Ciao xxx