Dear Diary,
This is essentially how I'm going to start from now on, as I have few (at the moment, one) followers and this might very well become something of a diary.
Lately I've been struggling. My great nanny is dying, she's probably only got a few weeks left to live. My mum is having to get rid of one of our dogs. For a while, I thought I hated my uni degree - I didn't go into uni for a whole two weeks, and it wasn't until I went to every single lecture and seminar today that I realised being cooped up in the house was only making things worse and I was feeling more and more helpless because I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. I even thought about starting smoking again, because it used to make me feel better - but that idea was dashed by my lack of funds and I'm glad I didn't get back into an old habit. Besides, it's only a temporary fix.
I started feeling like I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. I didn't want to go to the gym. I started getting scared about putting weight back on because I fell off the wagon with my eating. I started having nightmares. I fell out with a good friend because I was so busy criticising him, because I didn't want to deal with my own feelings (I hope you can forgive me, Ben). I've bitten my nails down to nothing again.
Today, I feel I made a friend (hi Sarah!). I spent all day in uni and I had so much to catch up on that I didn't even get bored or tired. My lecturers are so understanding and one of them just let me ask a lot of questions and clarified a lot of things for me. I don't feel so terrified about that particular module anymore. I came home and I cooked a lovely dinner, and I just generally feel happier. Like I can handle this.
However, there are definitely things I'm not happy about. I read somewhere a while ago, at a time when I was struggling with some similar issues, that a good thing to do when you're feeling low is to write a list of confessions. Things you're not comfortable with, about yourself and about things in your life. So as a starting point for this better, skinnier, healthier, happier me, I will note down a few of these things I've probably never said out loud. A few of them are a bit weird so hang in there.
Confessions:
1. I think I might have slight obsessive compulsive tendencies about my fingernails. Yes I do bite them, so how can I be obsessive? Well I hate chipped nail polish, and I cannot deal with my nails being jagged/uneven. Even if they're shorter than short, if one isn't perfectly rounded off then I will bite it to try and even it out until I can get to an emery board. I also have an obsession with cleaning underneath my nails.
2. I'm scared of going to the doctors. Not for the usual reasons - don't get me wrong, I don't like needles but I don't worry every time I go in that they're going to stick me with them. I'm scared because there always seems to be something wrong with me and nothing ever shows up on scans or blood tests, and no-one ever seems to believe me or care enough to stay at it and try and figure out what's wrong. I hate feeling helpless.
3. I worry that Chris is going to leave me/cheat on me because I don't have enough of a libido. I know it makes him feel unappreciated and maybe sometimes like he isn't good enough, but it's not that at all. I try and explain it to him but I don't really know what to say because I don't understand it myself. I wasn't always like this.
4. I worry that I'm always going to have a big bum. I'm only little but my bum is disproportionately big. I hate it. Chris says he loves it, but I don't think he realises how insecure I am about it. I worry that even if I lose all this weight, my bum is still going to be this way.
5. I cry sometimes when I go into fitting rooms in shops. I hate how nothing hangs right on me because of my, ahem, curves. I hate how I'm such a difficult shape that even shoes are nigh on impossible to find.
I think that's probably it for now. I feel so much lighter. I'm sure I'll think of more things in the weeks of recovery to come, but for now I'd like to sign off with one of my favourite quotes about life.
"You can, you should, and if you're brave enough to start, you will." - Stephen King.
